I think…

I need to stop believing in people so easily.

I’ve obviously made up my mind on some things, and I’m still (painstakingly) trying to make my heart follow my mind, and then I brainlessly foolishly stupidly let someone’s nice words mess with my emotions. It’s like I have completely no barrier or filter in my mind for words I find soothing to the ears (or in this case eyes).

I want to get on in life. I need to get on with life. I’m so tired, I might just break in another second. I’m too exhausted to try, fatigue is dragging down on the remaining of my heartstrings that are so desperately hanging on to that last ray of hope, and my mind is shutting down on me. Time passes, wounds heal, but they leave scars that just hurt even more when they’re opened again.

The times I just wanted to collapse and cry in front of everyone but I barely held them back as two or three teardrops escaped my eyes; the times when I wanted to just talk on the phone and say out loud all these emotions I’m feeling and what’s affecting me, even if it was to no one; the times that I truly felt like just going crazy and screaming at the top of my lungs; the times I lay in bed contemplating the meaning of life and trying to convince myself I’m doing everything for me and only me, but coming to the conclusion that I’m actually living for everyone else; the times I had to listen to how others cried themselves into the night because of various reasons I was crying for but I had no one to tell;

The times when it felt like there was no one there but just me against the world.

I don’t want to experience those times anymore. Not even a bit. But now I’m just caught between defying my heart and defying my mind.

Please give me some inspiration.



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