& if things could be different in just a second

Haven’t been writing in a long long time.

The past week has been eventful.

  • Finished burden 3101 report
  • Watched possibly THE BEST MOVIE OF 2015
  • Dropped trigen
  • Got offered a position in arts oweek ocomm right after
  • Had toothache so bad I couldn’t do anything
  • Plucked my tooth -_-
  • Heard that my sister got stalked home???

3101 was SUCHA KILLA but I’ve been blessed with wonderful groupmates who were so dedicated and enthusiastic about the project. The meetups every week was worth it 🙂 Now just crossing my fingers that our hardwork paid off!!!

Watched 我的少女时代 with Mag, BEST MOVIE OF 2015 AHHHHHHHH. It was such a tearjerker and mag cried many many times. Although Sophie and the rest always say I cry a lot during movies, throughout the movie I was just thinking “Really? You can cry at this??” when mag sniffled repeatedly HAHAHAHA. The movie was funny, nostalgic and touching all at the same time. And it was made better with good company 🙂 Had a good HTHT afterwards with mag and managed to vent out some of my frustrations. It’s funny how everytime I talk to mag, I always manage to get closure about something. She has magikkkkk. Hehe.

Trigen was part of my identity for the past year. I loved the project, it’s people and the purpose we were serving. But some point in time, it started dragging me down. I felt so tired even handling simple tasks, and I started losing my motivation for the project. It was especially during summer, when I had placement (with OTs almost thrice a week), IVP season (with trainings on weekends) and the peak period of trigen (launch and trainings). I felt especially sorry for the team since I wasn’t able to attend trainings due to the training sessions and meetings, but I guess it didn’t really matter cause I wasn’t that important in the team as well.

Some things are like that. At first, you believe that you possess some level of importance in the group. And what’s more, you wish to have that sense of belonging too. But as time passes you realise that you aren’t really part of it, that people even start to expect you to be fully dedicated to it despite not really seeing your significance in the group, that you are kind of an outcast. I really shouldn’t be thinking this but sometimes I really feel like a backup tire. I know it’s inevitable in life to be viewed as such sometimes but the feeling really sucks. Maybe it’s cause of my incapabilities that made me so insignificant but I guess it’s time for me to invest my time and effort into things I am actually good at and passionate about.

I really gotta start being assertive. Stop sacrificing for people who won’t even give a damn about my interests. Okay maybe saying that is too much, but sometimes I really need to stand up for myself. I’m always so afraid of losing people, of being disliked by someone else, of offending other people, of interfering into people’s lives – there are so many things I’m afraid of. Probably that’s why I’m afraid of making friends, of being close to others, and when I actually get close to them, I’m so afraid of losing them I hold on to them so tightly it’s ridiculous.

I deserve this break. I’ve been working so hard all year and I deserve to go on this break with no hesitations and have fun.

My toothache was killing me. And it still it. Turns out that the baby premolar that had stayed pretty intact for the past 8 years in my gum is wanting out. The infections really hurt. And now that it’s out, it hurts even more and the whole stretch of gum is sore. Sigh think it’s gonna be worse when the implant is in 😦

Okay that’s all for today. More updates on the rest next time.

Byebye world ~

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